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Resurrection

Resurrection

Are you concerned about providing for your family if the unthinkable happens? Worried that life insurance isn't enough?

Arlington Wolfe Resurrection Services offers a wide range of resurrection products designed to cater to your needs. We can bring you back to life for a few days so that you can tidy up your affairs and update your will, or for long enough to see your kids grow up and enjoy your retirement.

All Arlington Wolfe Resurrection Services products come with a complete money-back guarantee, so you can be assured of the quality of your raising from the dead.

How It Works

Arlington Wolfe Resurrection Services also has specialist psychologists to help any resurrectees overcome mental trauma or nightmares caused by memories of the death experience. This service is provided free to all clients purchasing any service level higher than the Tidy-Up Special.

Products

Full Resurrection
Our top-of-the-line resurrection service. This will bring you back to full health and let you live a long natural life, barring any further accidents. Nobody need ever know you were dead! Minor injuries incurred at the time of death, such as broken bones and massive internal haemorrhaging are corrected by our surgeons before your resurrection. If people are aware of your death, you can even use this service to start your own religion!

Note that Full Resurrection requires your body to be reasonably intact. In the case of any irreperable dismemberment, burning, dissolving in acid, etc, your service will automatically be downgraded to The Living End and the price difference refunded.

The Living End
This service allows you to live a full life if you are not too concerned with appearing normal. Your body will be given no cosmetic treatment, but you receive the same long-lasting resurrection as with our premium service. If you suffer a low-impact death, this will be almost as good as a Full Resurrection. Horrifically mangled limbs, viscera-exposing lacerations, or other disfigurements will not affect your ability to function as a living being. This service is ideal for those with little normal social contact, such as computer programmers or science fiction fans.

Life Experience
The Life Experience service gives you a year or two of extra life, which you can use any way you like. Many of our clients use this time to do all those things they always wished they had time to do, such as taking up a hobby, travelling to see the world, or having children. Your body is restored to fully functional status, but existing injuries or illnesses will not be corrected and will eventually take their toll. Most clients selecting Life Experience can expect a further 10-20 months of useful life. Our longest-lived Life Experience client has lasted 3 and a half years and is still going! If you die again within 10 months, part of the cost will be refunded to your estate on a pro rata basis.

Tidy-Up Special
For the budget-conscious, this service restores partial muscular control to whatever remains of your body. Assuming you have sense organs and any limbs left, this allows you to go through your finances and make any last minute changes to your will before decay sets in. It is advisable to complete these tasks fairly quickly, as most accountants and lawyers are put off by maggots and the smell of decaying flesh, and may charge more for their services.


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Last updated: Saturday, 11 February, 2006; 02:34:27 PST.
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